1.06.2007

Bulletin: Global Warming Caused by Latinos

It was 70 degrees in NYC today. Yes, 70 freak'n degrees!

Made me want to stoop down and pick me some lettuce. Ya, lotsa lettuce.

Oh, you know us Latinos. There's nothing we like better than to work under a blazing sun, picking other people's vegetables, and getting abused by the likes of Tancredo and Buchanan while we're at it. Doesn't everybody?

Oh, yes. Love that Global Warming.

Latinos invented it you know. Yes, we love toiling in the hot sun that much--and it's kinda fun to freak out los gringos. Now we're even bringing over El Nino and La Nina. Heck, soon we'll have the whole family over and we'll all be so happy breaking our backs picking strawberries and grapes.

But seriously folks, people were out all over the region enjoying themselves as if it's summer. Helllloooo!!!

What's really strange is that I've been saying for while that the weather is getting freaky, but most people don't seem to care. Many of those I've spoken with live in the snow belt, so for them it's a reprieve from the usual blustery, frigid and snowy winters. Which is fine, but it's still freaky!

I enjoy warm weather, too. Frankly, I favor sunny, warm days. I am Latino after all--and a tropical one at that. But it's January 6th and we've had ZIPPO winter. Nada. Nothing. As in, there's been no snow, no ice, no swearing because the snowplow plowed me in again.

I mean, a warmer winter is one thing, and a thaw mid-season is sweet, but a balmy winter? That's wrong!

Now I don't know much about global warming, what causes it, or whether we're all going to die because we favor modern things, but right now Al Gore is looking real smart. (He did afterall invent the internet.)

Speaking of freaky things: I was just visiting Nuevo Dia's website and up pops Al Gore's face. Yes, really. Scared me. And what's written across the bottom banner? You got it: "An Inconvenient Truth". And it's 70 freak'n degrees outside in January!

Is it just coincidence, or is Mother Earth speaking through AL Gore? Maybe instead of making Al into an Alpha Male, Naomi Wolf made him into a Beta Female, or whatever the opposite is?

(BTW: Is Naomi a Wiccan goddess or something?)

Now I'm thinking that if it is global warming, and there isn't any dispute about the world getting warmer, I'm starting to worry about the speed of the rising oceans. Seriously. I live near the ocean--and at pretty much sea level. Could this thing be moving so fast that we'll soon see Biblical Floods II?

I don't know about you, but I'm no Noah. Honestly, I'm not even much of a floater. 'Cause I don't have much of that bouyant fatty tissue.

EL Nino. That's what they're saying is the cause of this particular warm spell. And serious meteorologists (as oppposed to the TV guys) say yes that EL Nino is especially active this year.

Fine--but just who pissed him off?

And why is it only recently that we're hearing about EL Nino? And why is it that it's even called EL Nino? Wait. You mean we can't blame messying up the environment on Anglo-owned factories and SUVs? How convenient, and soooo predictable.

Wouldn't it be more accurate and less racist to call it The Ford Combuster? Or the GE Wave? Or the Bush Breezes? Would make more sense to me.

And now they've come up w/La Nina, yes. They want to also blame our women. OK, our woman are hot--just as the Governator, but is there no limit to this madness?

Meanwhile , we're starting to bake but it's not because we're polluting the environment. No, no. It's, well, those damn aliens coming across the desert and making everybody, you know, hotter. Just look at how hot they've made Tancredo and Buchanan. They're so hot their heads are ready to explode.

Yes, I admit it's all a sinister Latino plot. Global warning allows us to work all 12 months of the year in the blazing sun, and we can do so feeling so much more comfortable in the warm villages of in EL Norte!